BOULDER — She was the Karl Dorrell of all Ralphies.
Poor Ember, bless her heart, had to be coaxed out of the trailer. She had to be coaxed to a trot. She had to be coaxed to the 30-yard line. She had to be coaxed to the turn.
At the 2024 Alamo Bowl, in what became her emblematic farewell, the poor girl’s pregame run was as disheartening as the game itself, the perfect omen for an awful evening.
Actually, it wasn’t a “run” so much as a tepid jog. At times, Ralphie VI, which was Ember’s stage name, resembled a puppy being dragged toward the bathtub.
The CU football team, to the chagrin of the thousands of Buffs fans on hand in San Antonio, eventually followed her lead, rolling over to let BYU tickle their collective bellies.
A news release, with a tongue planted firmly in its digital cheek, cited she was retiring after four seasons and 25 games. Due to “an indifference to running typical of many mammals both four-legged and two-legged,” the release reasoned, “it was determined that it was in Ember’s best interest, based on her disposition, to focus on relaxing strolls on the pasture, which is her favorite hobby.”
A couple things.
1. “Indifference to running” pretty well describes Pat Shurmur’s CU playbook, doesn’t it?
2. What the heck took so long?
It’s been clear to everybody at Folsom Field for two years running — or rather, politely trotting — that Ralphie VI just was not into showbiz.
She was a skinny waif of hope during her debut in the autumn of 2021, eyes full of wonderment. But her runs made Ralphie V, aka Blackout, look like a jaguar closing in on prey.
She halted. She stuttered. She plodded. We chuckled, shrugged and figured she’d grow into the gig. She didn’t.
Ember, unlike Buffs Nation, somehow managed to appear less enthused during the Coach Prime Era. The bigger the crowds at Folsom got, the brighter the lights, the more her heart seemed to lose interest in playing along with CU’s most beloved pregame spectacle.
Maybe it was having to share the run with Lil Wayne before the CSU game in September 2023. Maybe it was being star-struck at the celebrities now populating to the home sideline.
Whatever. It was time.
Past time, actually.
And whatever Ember wants, Ember should get. These are living creatures, first and foremost — not sideshow objects for your amusement. Not cartoon characters or undergrads sweating buckets beneath an oversized mascot head. (We love you, Chip. Don’t ever change.)
The safety of these animals should be paramount. The safety of the Ralphie Handlers, even more so. Steering a live buffalo is like trying, with only straps and sinew, to direct a running Hyundai Accent with hooves and a mind of its own.
That said, someone at CU athletics probably needs to do a once-over on the ol’ Ralphie succession plan. The hope all summer was that Ralphie VII, who has been identified and is being trained, would be ready for Friday’s opener. She isn’t. And we’ve already gone through at least one semi-interested live mascot.
Lest we forget, Ralphie V retired “early,” too, skipping the last three home dates of the 2019 regular season. The Buffs ran out onto the field without a Ralphie during the pandemic season of 2020.
You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. Although with Ralphie VI, in hindsight, we knew right away.
Those buffalo scouts can project out a prospective runner’s speed, strength, girth, agility. They can’t project want-to. And if Deion Sanders’ Buffs are as indifferent to running as she was against Georgia Tech on Friday night, they’re in serious trouble.
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